If you’re a guy who is used to giving women vaginal orgasms only (perhaps your previous partner couldn’t have clitoral orgasms, or preferred vaginal stimulation—or maybe you just never put thought into it until now), you may have no idea where to start when it comes to giving clitoral orgasms. The first thing that is useful to understand is that this isn’t a distinctive classification of orgasms—an orgasm is an orgasm. It just means stimulating your partner’s clitoris to help her achieve an orgasm.
On the surface, this is a simple matter. It just means to focus more on the part of your partner’s genitals which are outside of her body. You can do this by giving your partner a handjob and making sure to focus your efforts on the clitoris, or by going down on your partner. You can also stimulate the clitoris while you’re having intercourse if you choose positions which make it easier to reach, either by being able to grind your hips together or by reaching down to use your hand while you’re going at it. Your partner can also stimulate herself while you’re having sex.
Assuming your partner has clitoral orgasms pretty regularly when she masturbates, one of the easiest ways to learn how to give a clitoral orgasm is simply to watch your partner do it herself. This isn’t comfortable for everyone, but if you’re both at ease with it, watch your partner get herself off and note what she does. What motion does she use when she strokes her clitoris? Is the motion vertical? Horizontal? Circular? Does she use a combination of movements? Does she favor one particular area? Does she stimulate her labia as well? Does she penetrate herself at the same time? Are the strokes she uses on her clitoris gentle or vigorous? Does she have a clitoris that is “submerged” somewhat in the surrounding skin? Does she push back that skin in order to reach it?
While you’re stimulating your partner, you can always just ask directly for feedback. Many women are fine with giving specific instructions during sex. Since there’s no way for you to simply guess what’s going to get your partner off, you shouldn’t perceive anything wrong with this. Your partner probably doesn’t (and shouldn’t) expect you to be an expert on her body without learning the ropes.
It’s important to understand that everyone’s nerves are different. Some women have more reactive nerves in specific areas than others do. While more women get off via clitoral stimulation than vaginal stimulation, the reverse is true for some women as well. So while you’re probably reading this article because your partner needs or wants clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm, you might also be reading it because you’re both wondering whether she can have a “clitoral orgasm” at all. For example, perhaps you love to perform cunnilingus, but it doesn’t seem to be working on a new partner, and you’re wondering how you can get her to have an orgasm while you’re going down on her.
Arousal may also play into whether a woman can achieve a clitoral orgasm (or any orgasm). Sometimes this doesn’t involve direct stimulation. It may involve foreplay or setting up the right atmosphere for a sexual encounter. Or maybe you need to take more time to get physically intimate with each other before you start having sex (including oral sex or direct manual stimulation to the genitals). Find out if there is anything else which you can do to appeal to your partner’s sexuality. It never hurts to ask. Also take the time to think about things which could interfere with arousal. One of those things is pressure.
Performance anxiety can make it difficult for anyone to achieve an orgasm. If you’ve built up a lot of pressure around the idea of a clitoral orgasm, you’re going to make it less likely that your partner is going to have one. If she’s lying there thinking, “I have to have an orgasm, or he’s going to feel like he’s doing it wrong,” or “If I can’t have a clitoral orgasm, there’s something wrong with me,” those attitudes are going to make things more difficult than they need to be. Always remember that the bottom line is that sex should be a pleasurable activity and not a cause for excessive stress. If worrying about giving a specific “type” of orgasm is becoming a big deal, it is time to focus on enjoying yourselves in whatever way is best for you.
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